Hello everyone! Welcome to the blog post I didn’t want to make and am currently resentful of.

I am not a writer and I am in a toxic relationship with misspelling words and I have a tendency to ramble so please bear with me. But for those of you who didn’t see me crying and complaining on my main instagram account (shout out @v.erner), my art account got deleted. Boo you Instagram and RIP Jillian Amanda Designs. I started that account when I was 16 years old and it was faithful for 9 whole years. When I made it, I was deeply depressed, I had just left high school and was given an iPad through my new homeschool program. For me, I was always creative but I didn’t always consider myself an artist. That didn't happen was until I got that iPad, downloaded a very shitty drawing app called Paper 53, made an instagram (the one that just got deleted), and took my first intro to art class. After that I drew constantly. I made little punny drawings and valentines for my friends and posted pictures of them. I started art school and I posted about all my projects. I started an Etsy shop where I made and sold stickers and custom portraits. I loved doing giveaways on Instagram. I later had my senior exhibition which was where my oversharing began. And I LOVED it. Art was always deeply emotional for me and was a way I processed even the most minor inconveniences. I loved telling secrets and making people guess who or what it was about. I loved being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable. I loved that it connected me with people and how I could talk to a stranger about how they too “hated that she kissed him.”

Fast forward some to a fateful day in October 2020 where I got dumped by a boy. It was random and unexpected and destroyed me entirely. It propelled me into the deepest and darkest sadness of my life. I very much needed to find a will to live. Because I was unloveable, it was during Covid, I had just moved out of my parents house and into a cockroach infested apartment with a 35 year old bully who I was so scared of I would hide in my bedroom for hours and would only leave to make food or go pee if I knew she was gone or asleep. So to “persevere” as they say, every single day for 6 months, I took a walk around the block in my pajamas and then drew something that I posted to my art account. I needed to process and I needed to grieve and I needed to dedicate myself to something that wasn’t a boy who didn’t care if I lived or died. So I did. I overshared in the captions about how I was feeling that day. There was a lot of anger and resentment and vulnerability and realization in those 6 months. It is a beautiful showcase of grief through approximately 182 posts. Let’s be real though….. 182 drawings in 182 days while I am emotionally soooo unstable… most of them were very very shitty. I’m not even going to pretend they were good. They were humiliating. I was publicly yearning. But this was something that I let live on my page, because I was proud of myself. Because now I am a bad bitch who will never be caught yearning for a man and who is confident in herself and her abilities.

But right now, I do be yearning. Not for a man but for my instagram account that has ceased to exist. So back to why we are here. Instagram has told me that if I try to make another account they will flag it for “avoiding restrictions on an account by using a different one.” Stupidest thing I have ever heard. I will probably ignore that and try to be sneaky, but here I am trying to put together a FREAKING MAILING LIST SO I DON’T LOSE MORE WORK CONTACTS! Anyways RIP @jillianamanda.designs. You were faithful and grew up with me. There is a lot of work that you held that is now lost to space and time and the universe. So anyways, I hate you Instagram, and if you like like my art or want to be friends or want to join my mailing list to revolt against Instagram. Welcome and I will give you a kiss on the mouth.

And here is some recent art stuff I’ve been working on that I was planning on posting about / just posted about. As proof. Of what? Who knows.

Hi… So I am devastated

Okay. Bye.